Lately....

I'm becoming aware that during this time it is very important that I remain unattached, disengaged, to a preconceived outcome.

Being in the moment, learning to trust in the unknown, to just simply trust me, and the possibility of my life's unfoldment right now with 'fearless uncertainty' is what is on my plate right now.

I'm not going through this awareness with ease. It's a challenge. It's very different for me. It's a *are you kidding me?!?!* kinda place - for me. I'm embracing it, I'm accepting it... and I'm becoming aware that it simply is the way it is right now. I might not like it because it's not comfortable - but, that's the way it goes.

I know where I'm at now is exactly where I'm suppose to be - where all the experiences, growths, gains and losses of past lives along with this present, multi-faceted life has prepared me for and led me to.

Working on regaining movement in my legs is not just effecting me physically. There's the other parts of me that are getting awakened - stirred up - and aroused from a stupor.

It also ignited within me a place that I had no idea has an unquenchable curiosity appetite!

I'm finding all of a sudden that I want to access information at cellular level so I can reclaim the Truth for myself; I want to remember my training; I want to remember my purpose; I want to reclaim my passion; I want to embrace my magnificence; I want to push the envelope of this embryonic envelopment called "consciousness" to discover what awaits me.

?WHY? I'm thinking like this is totally taking me by surprise! I'm trusting and allowing myself to explore these curiosities. I'm not looking for answers, and I'm not looking for solutions. I'm just looking.

All of this is happening within me as I am discovering ways to regain movement in my legs.

Loads is going on for me right now...thus questioning Karma/Dharma vs cause/effect/being responsible - are they all one-and-the-same just different ways of viewing the same thing?

What I am most grateful for is my heart is open through all of this. And to breathe from there is so awesome... So refreshing... like the way a cool breeze feels on the night of a very hot day.

Who am I? What makes me who I identify myself to be?

As I’m going through this healing sabbatical, I realize I don’t know who I am – or better yet becoming aware of what has contributed to me knowing who I supposedly am. The past 45 years has influenced who I’ve become. Now that I’m in the process of regaining movement in my legs, I find myself at times overwhelmed with the day-by-day reality that the identity that has been established for me to function from is no longer being sustained by familiar routines. And I blindly go along each day clumsily struggling with unfamiliar routines. Because of this awareness, there are times I breathe in deeply to fill my lungs with air, only that I can force myself to exhale so that I can breathe.

Please be patient with me as I attempt to find the words that can accurately express this awakening realization that my routines have identified me; that my possessions have identified me; that being in a wheelchair has engrained itself in me. And now, I’m attempting to shed that from my psyche.

This is what it must’ve felt like for me 45 years ago when spinal cord injury abruptly pulled the rug of familiar routines out from underneath me and I had to grow accustomed to not walking and not knowing who I was becoming in a wheelchair. And that I could no longer embrace who I was before the accident. She was gone. The tomboy became an energetic attitude instead of also a physical outward expression. The girl didn’t unfold to become a walking woman – she became a person in a wheelchair who happened to be a woman. That’s the way the world saw me. That’s the imposed image that fueled the motivation in me to make sure people saw me first before they ever realized I was in a wheelchair. That gave me purpose.

Now I don’t have the established routine of being involved with something familiar 9-5 that I had for the past 45 years, and even for the past 15 years. All my familiar routines and daily habits are no longer part of my daily life.

Who am I without a wheelchair? Who am I walking? Not everything that has had a part in who I have become in the last 45 years I’m letting go of. There are things that are coming along with me that gives me the self expression that satisfies and nurtures my heart and soul. And there are other things that I didn’t continue after I broke my back that I am reclaiming and taking on with me into this healing sabbatical.

When I broke my back, my legs felt fat, heavy and numbed. Now, I can feel them coming back to life.

There are times that I feel like a leaf on the wind. Have you ever paid attention to observing a leaf being picked up by the wind and blown across traffic and never getting hit? And gently landing in a totally different place then where it came from? That’s what I feel like… – haven’t a clue how I’ll land, where I’ll land, just knowing I’m going somewhere.

I’m smiling to myself right now... remembering something from The Little Rascals – Buckwheat was in a wagon that was careening out of control down a hill and his friends shouted to him “Buckwheat! Where you goin’?” and he responded, “I don’t know where I’m goin’, I know I’m on my way!” (Or something like that)…

“Little by little...” I just heard in my heard. It’s like the beginning stages of putting a puzzle together. The pieces are randomly picked at first – frustration sets in when nothing happens, or learning the piece you picked doesn’t have a place to connect to now - , and sometimes I’m finding a piece that fits into another, and other times I’m not. But eventually, the puzzle's picture comes into being and before we know it picking a puzzle place is no longer a wild guess or a random act. There is a sense of purpose, there is a sense of knowing what will fit where. Saying that just soothed my soul.

Sorry...

First I want to apologize for taking so long to post something. I realize many have checked in only to find that nothing *new* was added to the blog.

This time in my life has become the most rewarding and with the same intensity the most challenging.

For the past 44+ years I’ve dreamt for this moment, I’ve prayed for this moment, I wished for this moment, I begged for this moment - to be able to focus 100% on regaining movement in my legs – always, all along, feeling strongly within me that it was possible yet not knowing *how* to do this.

I thought maybe something was supposed to be done “to” me. What I’ve learned is that all what needs to be done must come from “within” me at times with the assistance from something or someone(s) outside of myself to help me along the way.

I also learned something else… even though I dreamt, prayed, wished for, and begged for this moment in my life, I never asked permission for it to take place. And one day just over a year ago, I remember laying down on my bed overwhelmed with the efforts I was making towards this goal yet it feeling like struggling against a tide the whole time…

I remember just feeling a *letting go* happening within, recognizing the frustration that was so palpable within every cell that I could taste it. And then, all of a sudden I just melted into surrounding to the HUGE BIG picture that it represented – … and then the next thing I recall doing was just asking God for permission. Surfacing from the depths of me that I didn’t realize existed, surfaced these words: God, may I please walk again? If it is meant for me, may I please walk again?

Immediately upon uttering those words, a silence happened that stilled me to the core – it was as if every vibration that made up “me” stood in absolute motionlessness. All my frustration was gone, all the feelings of struggle were gone, and my life hasn’t been the same since. Now, here I am on the journey of regaining movement in my legs….

I’m struggling to find words to express what I’m going through – and that truly is why I haven’t posted anything – because it’s hard to find the words to envelope, encapsulate this experience. And yet, because I haven’t posted… doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything. Every day I am applying myself. It’s work! And not just physical work, but ALL of me is involved with this – MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY, and SPIRITUALLY. It’s involving work on levels of me that I didn’t know had to be accessed in order to work towards regaining movement in my legs.

So, I have to make sure I nurture and care for those other aspects of myself with the same intended focus as I am in regaining movement in my legs. I’m getting to become aware of the thoughts that are going on in the background. I’m learning about what I do, what beliefs I’ve chosen to influence my world… some of it is pleasant, and some of it is not pleasant.

I’m also becoming aware that even though I have a routine figured-out about what to do for myself each day doesn't necessarily mean that that is the way it will fall. I have to check in with my body to find out whether or not it’s okay to proceed. I just can’t force myself to do what I think I’m supposed to be doing. My body has a say in it as well. There’s a symbiotic relationship going on here, and I must respect and honor that.

Now, let me clarify something here – I’m not saying that my body is in charge, I am implying that my body’s innate wisdom might have a different sense – a sense of what is priority, what it truly needs, at the moment, whereas *I* in my infinite wisdom of assuming what I’ve thought to be the right way to go doesn’t necessarily mean that that is what my body needs at the moment. I really don’t know what is right for my body to go through during this time. So, I must make sure I have an open line of communication with my body… sometimes I’m on and sometimes I’m off. But I’m always checking in, and learning how to communicate clearly with it. Most importantly, I must remember to ask my body permission when I want to proceed with something. This journey isn’t only about *me*.

Let my journey begin!

I can't believe it's been 2 years since I started this site... well, today is June 4th - and I will be dedicating the next 18 months to discovering how to regain movement in my legs.

Each day I will attempt to write something here to share... it will basically be in a journal format, writing my thoughts and feelings about this healing sabbatical I'm on... nothing will be expressed in chronological order - there will be flashbacks and fast-forwarding going on...

On May 27th I started an exercise routine that will probably get fine-tuned as time goes by.. the focus is to nurture *all* of me - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually - usually referred to as PEMS - because even though the focus is on regaining movement in my legs, it's not just a physical emphasis that will influence this. What I do to nurture myself emotionally, mentally, and spiritually will also have a major role with the intended outcome.