First I want to apologize for taking so long to post something. I realize many have checked in only to find that nothing *new* was added to the blog.
This time in my life has become the most rewarding and with the same intensity the most challenging.
For the past 44+ years I’ve dreamt for this moment, I’ve prayed for this moment, I wished for this moment, I begged for this moment - to be able to focus 100% on regaining movement in my legs – always, all along, feeling strongly within me that it was possible yet not knowing *how* to do this.
I thought maybe something was supposed to be done “to” me. What I’ve learned is that all what needs to be done must come from “within” me at times with the assistance from something or someone(s) outside of myself to help me along the way.
I also learned something else… even though I dreamt, prayed, wished for, and begged for this moment in my life, I never asked permission for it to take place. And one day just over a year ago, I remember laying down on my bed overwhelmed with the efforts I was making towards this goal yet it feeling like struggling against a tide the whole time…
I remember just feeling a *letting go* happening within, recognizing the frustration that was so palpable within every cell that I could taste it. And then, all of a sudden I just melted into surrounding to the HUGE BIG picture that it represented – … and then the next thing I recall doing was just asking God for permission. Surfacing from the depths of me that I didn’t realize existed, surfaced these words: God, may I please walk again? If it is meant for me, may I please walk again?
Immediately upon uttering those words, a silence happened that stilled me to the core – it was as if every vibration that made up “me” stood in absolute motionlessness. All my frustration was gone, all the feelings of struggle were gone, and my life hasn’t been the same since. Now, here I am on the journey of regaining movement in my legs….
I’m struggling to find words to express what I’m going through – and that truly is why I haven’t posted anything – because it’s hard to find the words to envelope, encapsulate this experience. And yet, because I haven’t posted… doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything. Every day I am applying myself. It’s work! And not just physical work, but ALL of me is involved with this – MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY, and SPIRITUALLY. It’s involving work on levels of me that I didn’t know had to be accessed in order to work towards regaining movement in my legs.
So, I have to make sure I nurture and care for those other aspects of myself with the same intended focus as I am in regaining movement in my legs. I’m getting to become aware of the thoughts that are going on in the background. I’m learning about what I do, what beliefs I’ve chosen to influence my world… some of it is pleasant, and some of it is not pleasant.
I’m also becoming aware that even though I have a routine figured-out about what to do for myself each day doesn't necessarily mean that that is the way it will fall. I have to check in with my body to find out whether or not it’s okay to proceed. I just can’t force myself to do what I think I’m supposed to be doing. My body has a say in it as well. There’s a symbiotic relationship going on here, and I must respect and honor that.
Now, let me clarify something here – I’m not saying that my body is in charge, I am implying that my body’s innate wisdom might have a different sense – a sense of what is priority, what it truly needs, at the moment, whereas *I* in my infinite wisdom of assuming what I’ve thought to be the right way to go doesn’t necessarily mean that that is what my body needs at the moment. I really don’t know what is right for my body to go through during this time. So, I must make sure I have an open line of communication with my body… sometimes I’m on and sometimes I’m off. But I’m always checking in, and learning how to communicate clearly with it. Most importantly, I must remember to ask my body permission when I want to proceed with something. This journey isn’t only about *me*.
